I Want

The last four weeks has been insane. I’m feeling exhausted and uninspired because of physical fatigue, the emotional rollercoaster at work, my personal life, and the constant need to balance so many personalities. Yes, the work place is problematic. We’ve been having issues left and right, one after another. As soon as one is resolved, another one, bigger and better springs up. First the issue with my editor, then the issue with the publication, then the issue with our distribution manager, then that of our business manager, then our editorial assistant, then our account executive, and now our supposed cover girl. I have issues too, personal ones at least, that hasn’t been tackled just because I simply don’t want to add to the “then” list above. I want to scream at frustration, bail out on everything, and just walk away from it all. But, there’s no room or time for that because I have so many other responsibilities—ICON, my sister’s wedding, and volleyball.

This is all my fault. I want too much. I’m spreading myself too thin and it’s true… I can’t do it all.

Right now, my life continues to be plagued with unanswered questions and uncertainty. My problem is I don’t know what I want. This is probably the sole reason why I’m feeling what I’m feeling. I’m trying to do too many things because I don’t know what I want. And as a result, I’m feeling even more stressed.

This problem has plagued me for years now and it is a hurdle I try to pass, but fail to when I’m just about to make the big leap. In high school, I thought I wanted to end up in med school so I pursued what pride was dictating. At the back of my head, I knew I wasn’t cut out for it. But guess what? My stubborn self stuck it out and realized much much later that I already had answers in the beginning. Even in my previous relationship, I knew she wasn’t the one for me, but the idiot that I am, I stuck on with it longer than I should have. I should have partied in college, had random sex, and lived life like there was no tomorrow. Now that I look back, I’m seeing a life full of regret.

So, what is it that I really want?

I want a successful career. I want fame. I want to be a homeowner. And most of all, I want peace of mind.

I want ICON to be so successful that it will become the envy of all people. I want to be respected as a coach. I want fame—not temporary fame that I’ll end up being a has-been after one or two years. I’m not working towards being TV famous or society famous. I want to be known, as someone who is good at what he does, but not necessarily be recognized on the street. I want to own a home, my own home in the next two years because that to me is a measure of success and an assurance of a stable life ahead. And stability is peace of mind.

I’ve been working like a dog, and hopefully this hard work will pay off.